This fiend can’t be stopped. Another 13 graveyard bangers from the Undead DJ Grandpaw Cryptkicker. Live through it if you can!

Hello, Split Tooth readers. This is an automated blog post generated by the New England Eldritch Task Force, a joint division of the U.S. Attorney’s Offices of Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont and Maine, and published to Split Tooth Media by the U.S. Attorney of Oregon, as mandated in the Derleth Act of 1939.

This is a notification to all persons to be on the lookout for a man calling himself “Grandpa the Crypt Kicker.” Description: Between 3-foot-5 and 9-foot-10 inches, appears to be approx. 65 to 215 years of age, silver hair, heavily bearded, dressed in cascading robes of shimmering colors that do not currently have names in any language available for human use.

Hey there kidderoos, it’s yer Grandpaw. These Feds think they can hijack a fine establishment like Splittooth and get y’all to turn on me, but if you can read this, you and I know what side yer on. Narcs’n’dew-beaters’n’gobermouches can’t see this — only members of the Cryptkicker family. And yer all my grandkids this month, heh heh.

He is a person of interest in an ongoing investigation by our division into sonic disturbances in the outer membranes of consensus reality. The “Crypt Kicker” is extremely dangerous. If you see him, DO NOT APPROACH. For safety, plug your ears with cotton, tissue paper or your fingers, and hum “The Star Spangled Banner” as loud as you can while moving quickly and carefully away from the area.

I dunno where they got that tactic from but it doesn’t mean nuthin to me. Must be some cop’s fetish or sumthin’ to make people do that — hell, that’s more perverted than anything I ever done to anyone.

Any and all information on the whereabouts of the “Crypt Kicker” should be reported directly to your local religious leader or antiquarian bookseller. Until the end of October, all persons are advised to avoid record stores, thrift shops, music halls, abandoned piers, empty houses and black cats. This is the end of the automated message.

Oooh, jeez, they must be serious if they made a robot write a blog post. I’m real scared, ya fascists! Man, they got nothin on us. Only two days left in the month and we’re gonna make the most of ’em now. Here’s 13 more songs to set your mind crooked. Lissen to yer Grandpaw now an’ take yer medicine, stuff it in yer earholes and shake it out yer booty. Ain’t no other way to keep the creepin’ tendrils of the Man in Grey from reachin’ into yer head and sandin’ all the bumps down smooth.

Listen to the playlist:

1. “Theme from ‘Dark Shadows'” — The Robert Cobert Orchestra
2. “Opening Titles Song from ‘Spider-Baby‘” — Lon Chaney Jr. and Ronald Stein
3. “Undertaker” — Southern Culture on the Skids
4. “Monster Movie Ball” — Spike Jones
5. “Big Black Coffin” — Screaming Lord Sutch
6. “The Hearse” — Deadbolt
7. “Miles Davis’ Funeral” — Morphine
8. “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” — Peter Murphy with Trent Reznor and TV on the Radio
9. “I Wanna Dig Up Bela Lugosi” — 3-D Invisibles
10. “Trick or Treat” — The Ultras
11. “Evil Arms” — Blacklight Chameleons
12. “This Sinister Urge” — The Fuzztones
13. “The Voice of the Mysterons” — The Mysterons

(Special thanks to Jem Michelitch, senior research fellow at Arkham Conservatory for Inhuman Sounds, for assistance in cataloging and interpreting this message from beyond.)

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